It turns out I don’t even really have to understand the game to participate in fun things like following football news and filling in fantasy draft slots. It’s really encouraging to me that I can still enjoy things from a place of total ignorance. (And yes I know this is sad on some level, a level I’m ignoring.)
I do know things, though, like how to spell and even say Favre, and that it’s silly to fake retire several times, but it is a very smart news move because people will continue to care and to talk about you while you continue to make millions of dollars, even people like me. So I paid attention the other night when the newest (I think?) Viking was asked whether he felt his presence on the team caused a schism on it or not.
He basically said, “I don’t know what that means.” His teammate, defensive end Jared Allen, joined him in abandoning the dictionary but provided more colorful commentary. Allen is usually quoted relative to his racing stripe mullet (one look I’m proud to say I never dated, although whoa, close call.)
It is not a superstition, it’s a lifestyle, man. Words to live by. (I cannot justify the number of times I can replay this clip.)
This time he shared his vague understanding of what a “schism” actually is, somehow managing to use the word “in a sentence format” while saying he wasn’t even sure he could. He did learn, I’m guessing, that it is not an STD. (Which he totally knew already, liberal elite media. Stop writing headlines like he didn’t really know.)
**You can totally call out the liberal elite media if you’d be considered one of them by anyone.
Jared Allen slays me. I’d never even heard of him until last week.
He is like the 2009 version of Yogi Berra.
I’d like to re-do our draft and take Jared Allen #1. I realize that’s probably not possible on several different levels, but still… I feel very strongly that while it might screw me for the season, at the very least it would be a substantial moral and stylistic victory.
This has not yet stopped being funny. It may never stop.
And I would like to do a player draft just so I can steal the idea directly above me, much like Jared Allen stole “schism” right out of my dictionary.
Did he just say that he has 11.5 sacks?
Cuz he said he has 11.5 racing stripes and one for each sack………
is that what I heard?
What is a half sack? Can I get some footage of that?
I wondered that too but I figured it was something I just didn’t understand about sacks but should.