Draft Day Suit

Hi. You might remember me — I’m the guy in Boston who was thrilled to land you in the fifth round of my fantasy baseball draft back in March. I actually let out a tiny little cry of glee – pure, natural, unfettered glee – when I nabbed you, and that glee was redoubled with the other owners cursed me for grabbing you before they could.

And why not? We all knew that your numbers might drop a bit as a function of your transition from Colorado to Oakland… but really, how bad could they be? Two years ago, you put up an absolute monster of a season: 36 HRs, 137 RBIs, 120 runs, 11 SBs, a .340 batting average and an OPS of – dear God – 1.012. And let’s be clear: those aren’t Nintendo numbers… you earned them playing real, legit, full-on major league baseball against major league pitching. Coors Field effect or not, you were ridiculous. Honestly – and with all due respect to Jimmy Rollins – you probably should have been the MVP.

Granted, last year was a minor comedown – but overall your numbers were still respectable: 25 HRs, 88 RBIs (more an indictment of a badly slumping Rockies team than a reflection of you), 107 runs, and you hit .321. You also apparently started huffing methamphetamines, because your speed went crazy — 28 SBs? Wow. That kind of speed/power combo is very rare and extremely valuable in fantasy baseball… and I was beyond thrilled to find you sitting there when the fifth round of the draft snaked its way back around to me.

All that said… everyone suspected your numbers might suffer a bit in Oakland. Which made sense on multiple levels:

1. The Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum Network Associates Coliseum McAfee Coliseum Oakland Coliseum (man, it’s wonderful when corporate naming agreements go up in flames… over and over and over again) sucks ass. There’s enough open foul ball space on both sides of the field to fit an entire Fenway Park, and the outfield fences are about a mile and a half away from home plate. Basically, with very few artificially enhanced exceptions… Oakland is where power goes to die.
2. The A’s don’t run. That’s an expression of Oakland GM Billy Beane’s philosophy – as captured at great and rapturous length in Moneyball – that the (affordable) key to winning games is On-Base Percentage. The more men you get on base, the higher your odds of scoring runs and winning games. Stealing bases puts you at risk of losing men who’ve already achieved the goal of getting on base… therefore, running is strongly discouraged.
3. When the Buddha said “all life is suffering,” I’m pretty sure he was thinking about Oakland. Pricey neighborhoods in the hills notwithstanding, Oakland is a black hole… and the odds of even the great Matt Holliday escaping its terrible gravitational pull seemed less than inspiring.

But that’s just it: you were going to be the exception, Matt. You were going to be the flower growing through the crack in the concrete. The diamond in the rough. The Wall•E plant taking root and growing on a dead earth. You liked Wall•E, didn’t you, Matt? I can tell. You look like you have a sentimental side, hidden deep beneath that rugged Oklahoman exterior.

I think I speak for all of us when I say: we respect that about you.

Which brings us to now. It’s basically the midway point of the 2009 season, and I think it’s clear to all concerned that… well, I’m not going to be kind here: you’ve been a huge disappointment. You’re hitting .275 – that’s 40 POINTS BELOW YOUR CAREER AVERAGE, which you’re bringing down every week – and your other numbers (8 HR, 40 RBI, 39 runs, 9 SB) are pedestrian. Extrapolate that across the season, and you’ve got 16 HRs, 80 RBIs, 78 runs, 18 SBs.

If you were Julio Lugo, I’d be thrilled with those numbers. Hell, if Julio Lugo had those numbers I’d lose bladder control and wet myself. But you’re not Julio Lugo. You’re Matthew Fucking Holliday, and this just ain’t gonna fly.

I don’t know if it’s gonna take a trade to bring you back to life – we’ve all read how you’re going to be a Free Agent after this season, how your performance is killing your earning potential, and how the SF Giants/STL Cardinals/everyone else in the NL is drooling at the prospect of pulling you on-board for pennies on the dollar – but I hope you won’t wait until you are delivered out of purgatory Oakland before you start acting like the Matthew Fucking Holliday we’ve all known, loved and feared as an opponent.

Please stop sucking as soon as possible.

Love,
TwoBusy